Friday, April 17, 2009

Keeping Silent

"I want to tell you all, but fear the consequences if i break my silence..."

That's what my blog is about...I guess i'm just sick of stupid people. And I really can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want pity, I want a relief from the crap i get to go through all the time.

I know I'm not perfect in every way nor do I wish to be, but I'm not a total failure either. Speaking out has always been something i'm good at...actually anything that involves my voice so singing, writing, reading it just fits with me. Speaking my mind used to be so easy and I could just say whatever I wanted, because speaking plainly is simple...or used to be. I have kinda been struggling a little more than i let people know, but I have a reason. I don't want pity, i don't want anyone's help, i just want all this crap to end. I'm not very high up in the social ladder and all my "Friends" seem to desert me when i really need them. Recently though I met this really awesome girl. She is really funny and i like to talk to her and hang out, but i'm scared to get attached as her friend, because of how easily people seem to ditch me whenever they find the next best thing. I guess i just seem disposable and recyclable, which i suppose i am. i'm horrible at giving everyone a second, third, fourth, fifth chance, there isn't a limit. You literally can walk all over me and it doesn't matter I will always forgive. I shouldn't, but I do. Thats why with (E.D.) I'm trying not to get to close to her as my friend.

Anyways back to my lovely "Speaking" thing. Ok, when I moved to Anson I was perfectly happy, and stuff was going great. Something went wrong idk what, but something did and my world just sorta shattered. I still have my great, loving awesome home life, but my school life is suffering. I was always outspoken, always the first to let her opinion be known. Now though at school i'm still cowering in fear whenever (that girl) walks by, I still flinch if (Blondie) even glances at me. They took away my voice. Not literally of course, but did enough damage to really mess me up LOL! Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed much...i just am way more withdrawn from people. I don't even talk in half my classes and when i do its because the teacher called on me for an answer. Most of the time though i'm just ignored...and its foreign to me lol. I used to always be talking never ever ceasing :) I just can't seem to find anything to say. I want everything to be normal again. Mostly I want everyone to just leave me alone about it. For people to stop talking about me. My dad thinks i wallow in the drama and I'm like "Yeah dad I love crying all the time really its great." Once again I just keep my mouth shut and my head down, trying to just trudge through my school day, so I can get home to mama and Ella and Isabel and jack.

I don't want any pity...I jst needed to get my feelings out so i can breathe a little and clear my head.

Always & Forever,

1 comment:

  1. I pray daily that God will give you the strength you need to wade your way through the cess pool known as high school.

    Know this. You will never be truly happy with your life until you are happy with yourself. It's cliché I know, but it's true.

    You are smart. You are blessed. You are brave. You are wanted. You are needed. You. Are. Loved.