Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ready...Set...Won't Go

"You never ready for what you have to do...you just do it and that in itself makes you ready."

Yeah nifty quote right? It's true actually and it's quite sad. No one is ever really ready for what is going to be thrown there way yet they still have to go through their life and do it. I guess that's why they say life isn't a rehearsal. Lately I've been having tons of stuff thrown at me and it's insane. But i'm finally getting it all under control...there's just one problem. MY MOM AND DAD!!! Don't get me wrong I love my parents and I respect, appreciate, and adore them. However they just are really over-protective. I mean I can't go to Prom because they think i'm not ready...FOR PROM! Yeah I'm whining sorry...I just don't get it. Honestly I don't see the harm in me going to a dance. She is however firm in her decision so thats a no go.

Partially though it's my friends...she doesn't think they are good for me and all that. She just doesn't get that they are my only option. Besides E.D. I mean I can't exactly just ditch them. I have a settling attitude is what she says. That or my parents think i'm better than I am which i think is the thing. I mean i know i'm not ugly...but i'm not exactly "America's Next Top Model" either. They act like i'm a child prodigy and no one is good enough. they really just need to understand that I'm not the best, and i'm really not that great. I don't have the shine or sparkle or glammor or anything that it takes to be considered worth something in today's world. Most people would be all depressed about it, but i'm content with being who I am even if it means not getting the hot new guy, or not running the fastes, or being the smartest, or the skinniest or anything like that. I am good enough for my friends and that's good enough for me. They aren't bringing me down or anything...if anything they are lifting me up the social ladder so i go from being total social trash to being at the least a social reject. I probably sound pretty pathetic, but believe it or not i'm completely satisfied with who I am.

Like I said earlier you're never ready for what you need to do. People need to realize that no matter how much sheltering you do, or how many defenses you put up...life is gonna slap you in your face. Maybe i'm not ready for prom, maybe i am emotionally fragile, but i'm not just gonna sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting for the moment when i am ready for anything. Which in actuality that moment will never come! I guess I just want my chance to get out there and live my life, but I still want to cling to my mother and hug my daddy...there will be a moment when I will get out there and not look back, but not today...Today i'm just gonna let them shelter me. So no prom, no boyfriend, no parties Ms. McCurdy! *sniffle* even if I would look drop dead gorgeous in my dress, or on date, but the party thing wouldn't work anyway *smirk* i'm a horrid dancer :p

I guess what i'm trying to say through all my senseless babbling is that in my own way I am ready...but not willing to go.

I'm ready

I'm Set

Won't Go

Friday, April 17, 2009

Keeping Silent

"I want to tell you all, but fear the consequences if i break my silence..."

That's what my blog is about...I guess i'm just sick of stupid people. And I really can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want pity, I want a relief from the crap i get to go through all the time.

I know I'm not perfect in every way nor do I wish to be, but I'm not a total failure either. Speaking out has always been something i'm good at...actually anything that involves my voice so singing, writing, reading it just fits with me. Speaking my mind used to be so easy and I could just say whatever I wanted, because speaking plainly is simple...or used to be. I have kinda been struggling a little more than i let people know, but I have a reason. I don't want pity, i don't want anyone's help, i just want all this crap to end. I'm not very high up in the social ladder and all my "Friends" seem to desert me when i really need them. Recently though I met this really awesome girl. She is really funny and i like to talk to her and hang out, but i'm scared to get attached as her friend, because of how easily people seem to ditch me whenever they find the next best thing. I guess i just seem disposable and recyclable, which i suppose i am. i'm horrible at giving everyone a second, third, fourth, fifth chance, there isn't a limit. You literally can walk all over me and it doesn't matter I will always forgive. I shouldn't, but I do. Thats why with (E.D.) I'm trying not to get to close to her as my friend.

Anyways back to my lovely "Speaking" thing. Ok, when I moved to Anson I was perfectly happy, and stuff was going great. Something went wrong idk what, but something did and my world just sorta shattered. I still have my great, loving awesome home life, but my school life is suffering. I was always outspoken, always the first to let her opinion be known. Now though at school i'm still cowering in fear whenever (that girl) walks by, I still flinch if (Blondie) even glances at me. They took away my voice. Not literally of course, but did enough damage to really mess me up LOL! Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed much...i just am way more withdrawn from people. I don't even talk in half my classes and when i do its because the teacher called on me for an answer. Most of the time though i'm just ignored...and its foreign to me lol. I used to always be talking never ever ceasing :) I just can't seem to find anything to say. I want everything to be normal again. Mostly I want everyone to just leave me alone about it. For people to stop talking about me. My dad thinks i wallow in the drama and I'm like "Yeah dad I love crying all the time really its great." Once again I just keep my mouth shut and my head down, trying to just trudge through my school day, so I can get home to mama and Ella and Isabel and jack.

I don't want any pity...I jst needed to get my feelings out so i can breathe a little and clear my head.

Always & Forever,

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Autism Walk

OK so here's the deal...I don't have tons of friends and in fact i'm not very uh *cough* popular much to my younger sisters chagrin, but i try not to let stupid things like that bother me. Yet I seem to always be in a positions where its a social gathering type thing and you need friends to well fit in and have a good time. Once again we are all aware of my sad lacking in the friends department. Especially when I have to go to every event the younger sister goes to *sigh* I suppose i just grin and bear it in public most of the time. Anyways back to the main part of the story er blog...whatever.

Saturday was the walk for Autism and I had to go, which originally wasn't a very big deal. In fact I had wanted to go, but as fate would have it the one person I could actually hang out with and have fun...wasn't going to be able to make it. The original thought that ran through my head was "Oh crap, well I guess I just won't go." Of course Mother-Dearest made certain I got an earful of how ashamed I should be...deserting people when they need me to go and walk. So with her lecturing I ended up going, but I was absolutely sure I would hate it and have no fun.

However even with my lack of social standing I was able to find two girls that i could talk to and have fun with...Micheala and Josefine. Don't get me wrong they are great girls to talk to...I just never even considered them because we really don't ever talk. Yet as I jumped out of the van silently muttering about inequality and unfair treatment, the girls saw me and waved me over. I was cautious at first (I really don't have very many friends that are girls anyway) but they were determined to have a great time and the walk around the zoo ended up being so much fun that my sides began to hurt from laughing so much. The day was actually filled with jokes, animal impersonations, pretending to be different religions, looking at nazis lol and just walking around acting silly and for once not caring what was said or done.

The day turned out to be a great success and i'm really glad i ended up going. Even if it was originally only because mom wanted me to... I suppose I just needed a push into the right direction. In the end i realized...this isn't just about going and having fun or even just walking so you could keep your word. This was about walking for a great cause to search for the cure. I am so thankful I got the chance to help make a difference in something so desperately needed.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

It's me...Kelsey

Welcome to the blog!!!!

lol i have been wanting to do this for forever i swear. Anyways that's besides the point! ok here goes...My life is so insane, i can barely stand to be in it. I go to Anson Highschool, where i got my first taste of relationships, gossip, gross cafeteria food, and stupid people. It's amazing really, and not just because of all the stupid stuff i've had to go through just to get to where i am but really because of who all has been there for me! Amber, Alyssa, Sam they all play a huge part in my life now as both my best friends and sisters by heart. Believe me though this hasn't been a basket of roses...or well maybe it has, every rose has it thorn (cheesy right?) and i just had to prick my fingers several times to realize who is worth it and who isn't. Between school, home, and social life i'm surprised i'm not crazy yet. I'm a singer and a band nerd, and a sad sad writer. Going through phases lately and it's kept me on an emotional roller coaster for a very very long time, but now i'm finished with it all and it's time for me to be me and live my dreams for me and nobody else.